Today has been kind of difficult. Well, the past few days have been difficult. The usual: my depression zapped me of any and every energy and motivation. So I have been calling in sick from Tuesday to Friday. Told my supervisors that it's because of my mental health and that I am sorry for being so unreliable lately.

What really hit me today though: I checked into twitter (not calling it X, no) for like a split second after months of not being active. And it was like getting hit by the biggest fomo gut punch. Seeing how many of my former moots on there were still active and thriving; seeing how much great stuff i seemed to have missed; and most of all: seeing that the world keeps turning without me. All the while tumblr and bluesky feel empty and silent.

I'm consumed by a mixture of negative feelings.
Envy - I want to thrive with them. Longing - I want to go back, I want to feel seen again. Only on twitter have my artworks and little rambles and posts felt seen and heard. Betrayal - Did we all not condemn the route the platform was taking? Didn't we all want to leave this place behind? Instead, was it me who was left behind? Isolated - I realize I was never a core part of the community. I had one or two private talks with some of them; but in the end, everyone else shares way deeper connections. And I know it is my fault. Alone - The internet feels lonely to me. The communities on tumblr and bsky have shunned me, ignore me or are simply not interested in me. Discouraged - I have felt this way for a long time. With the way social media have been developing; with how reblog-culture on tumblr went extinct. It is hard for content creators to thrive. I will spend hours on a drawing and it will get no recognition. It makes me want to stop posting my art. It makes me want to stop creating art altogether.

So I thought about making a new tumblr blog. Not a sideblog like the many I have. But with a new account. I want to maybe try and post some of my more nsfwish stuff on there. Since Tumblr is so ambigious about their nsfw rules and what gets banned and what doesn't - I don't want to risk my main blog that I have for over a decade getting banned. As a ban on a sideblog will most likely affect the whole account.
That sucked me into a whole other rabbithole, as I used to have a ton of different accounts that I used for various roleplay blogs. I preferred to create separate accounts of rps simply to keep my dashboards more organized and clean with just the other roleplayers I followed.
So I tried to log into a few of them. However it turned out that many of the emails I used to register have been deleted by outlook - because I didn't actively use them. So technically the email adresses did no longer exist. And apparently to log into the old accounts, I am demanded to change my passwords. Which I cannot do without logging into my email adresses. I could try and recover those accounts - however: I'd have to provide the blog names and a bunch of other details; which I don't remember. It has been years.

In my frustration, I am searching through all my sideblogs on my main account in hopes of having posted the names/links/URLs to any of my rp blogs from back then. So far I could only find the 2 most recent ones - which were hard enough to find since tumblr does this funny little thing of adding a "-blog" behind the username of blogs that have been inactive for some time.
My search through decade old posts has lead to even more gut punches. Memories of better times, estranged friends; I am reliving a lot of pain and my negative thoughts are spiraling.

Right now, I am not sure were this journey will lead me, but it doesn't look like it will be a very nice place.