I've called in sick yesterday. It's something that I do a lot and it's a problem. Usually my anxiety becomes too strong in the morning and I just can't go to work. It can be accilerated if I didn't catch much sleep or if I overslept. The uncomfortable thought of being late to work gets too overbearing and I rather avoid it all by just staying at home. I have become better at that and started to compromise by saying "it's better to be too late than not appearing at all". I want to be helpful. I also stay at work longer on those days, partly as a punishment for myself and partly to ament.
Either way, I notice my coworkers are not happy about my constant sick leaves and my lateness. And I understand it! They probably think of me as unmotivated and lazy and unhappy to be there. Well, in some way, I am. But still. It's... hurtful to go to work and feel ignored or shunned. I get paranoid about that kind of stuff and at some point, I can't really tell anymore if what I feel is real or if I think about it all way too much.
What happened today was that one of my coworkers brought a cake. She said she lost a bet against my supervisor... and she'd rather not say what kind of bet. My immediate thought was "Oh, they had a bet on whether I'd call in sick this week again or not.". And I can't stop thinking it. I have convinced myself that this is the truth. I have convinced myself that everyone here hates me and that I am a nuisance. Even the intern is getting more stuff done than me. My supervisors know about my mental problems. They know I am in therapy each wednesday and that I'm trying my hardest - and I am grateful for the many chances they have given me. I know I would've been fired long ago if I worked somewhere else. I am just waiting for them to loose their patience too. And where will I be then?